Today is April 30th

   Someone informed me that today is National Honesty Day. I have never heard of this particular holiday, so I looked it up and indeed, today is National Honesty Day. Happy National Honesty Day to you. While I was looking that up, I discovered that I had also overlooked a holiday that fell yesterday. So, in addition, I would also like to wish you all a Happy Belated Zipper Day.

Bad-O's Song of the Day

Yee-Haw and Bad-O's Song of the Day

yes, I'm multi-tasking this post


   Yay, it's Friday. Tonight, I get to go over to one of my wife's hillbilly cousin's houses for a fiftieth birthday thing. I haven't been over their house for quite some time. Years, in fact. It has been so long since I've been to their house, the last time I was there, I only hated the husband. 
   I don't think I can get out of this one. Fiftieth. Fuck. I'm going to have to spend the night pretending to like these two racist fuckwad hicks and listen to "nigger-this" and "nigger-that" all fucking night. I actually want to make it into a game, but I would need a stroke-counter and I don't happen to have one. Except tonight, it wouldn't be called a 'stroke-counter'. Tonight, I'd be calling it a 'nigger-clicker' (I'm copyrighting that btw). I'd keep it in my pocket and hit it every time I hear "nigger" tonight. I'd have to wonder if it would be a worse score than my average golf game. 
    Goddamn fucking hillbillies. My wife's family's got a few hillbillies, but where I'm going to tonight is the main nest. FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK. Maybe I can throw myself down a flight of stairs.... fuckers.

....and here is the song of the day. Heard this on the way home today. Very cool tune.

Bad-O's Song of the Day

Bad-O's Song of the Day

Three of last four days when I've been in the shower, this song has been on the radio. I finally listened to the words. Good song.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Fuck You, Reality!!

   I was just out at the bar with the wife having lunch, having beers, watching the Flyers. We were sitting next to this dude bullshitting. That dude is FORTY THREE!! Reality-wise, I've got two years on that dude in the bad direction. VISUALLY, I've got fifteen years on him in the GOOD DIRECTION!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Wife agrees. Me and her are about as happy as shit today. I don't know who my real parents are, but THANK YOU FOR THE GOOD GENETICS!
   FORTY THREE!!!! BITCH! I'm FORTY FIVE!!! I win!

Bad-O's Song of the Day

Bad O's Song of the Day

Pop Quiz, Hotshot!

What do all of these words and phrases have in common?

accomplished
self motivated
provide leadership
strategies
ideally suited
optimizing
intense focus
excellence
valuable asset
team
system solutions
project life cycle
maintaining optimal levels
key strengths
demonstrated expertise
inventive contributor
"make it happen" attitude
under pressure
aggressive time lines
producer and performer
team building skills
achieve key objectives
ensure success
commitment and dedication to excellence
critical ability
collaborate productively
challenging situations
contribute to your success
intuitive and analytical
service-driven sensibilities
uncompromising commitment
"go-to" resource for cross functional teams
full life-cycle management
Liaise
project deliverables

If you said: "they all appear in that order sprawled across two pages of a single three page resume that you are laughing at right now", you get 10 points. (I swear all of that was copied verbatim)

Five point bonus question: What word is missing from the above list?

I Noticed That Someone Commented On ONE of My Posts

  It was a comment on my post about an email I received via a certain on-line job market (Shhh! Their spies are everywhere) about a caree.... um, position I was offered recently. They must have a trace out on their name and they found my post and commented on it. Ironically, I had called my phone a "Big Brother Machine" in that same post.
   This is a frightening thing. See, nobody reads my bullshit. I don't tell anyone about this page. It is my anonymous private verbal spittoon. I say whatever the fuck I want to no one. I have not one single subscriber and I am more than ok with that. My name appears nowhere here. The email account linked to this page is not tied to my name, has never sent an email to anyone except myself, and was set up specifically to roam around outside my name. Additionally, I don't think of the bigger picture when I spew my tomes.
  That bigger picture being that eyes and ears are everywhere. Not a real big feat, mind you, software can do anything. But, seeing as how a reference in one of my stupid blogs got at least one of the companies mentioned in it to comment within five days of posting, I gotta say, I'm a little nervous. I should probably misspell more shit, particularly company names (damn you private school (which I will not name)). My mouth ALWAYS gets me in trouble and I sure don't want to get sued, especially when I am only trying to entertain myself and some random hapless miscreant who may accidentally find my page.

   But I am curious though. And I'm an asshole. And I can see how many views each of my posts gets. The aforementioned one is my BIG one. It has a whopping FOUR views. Probably all from the companies mentioned in the post. It makes sense now. With that, I am going to do a Blogspot Big Brother experiment and I will try to remember to update in a later post the results. I get maybe maybe one view per post, so this won't be difficult to discern.
   I am going to track my page views and lure the legal world here by putting forth the completely preposterous suggestion that....


...I got canker sores from:
Ford Taurus
Oreo Cookies
Tylenol
The Special Olympics
Sony Bravia
Gold Bond Foot Powder
Mattress Giant
The Home Depot
Apple I-Pad
Mobster E-Liquid
Verizon Wireless
Perez Hilton
Paris Hilton
Bose Speakers
Travelocity
Pawn Stars
Gibson Guitars
Jack Daniels
Pepsi
Banana Republic
Van Halen
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
The Discovery Channel
Visa
MasterCard
Chevrolet
Longhorn Steak House
Taco Bell
The Olive Garden
Wonder Bread
7-Eleven
Wells Fargo
Fargo North Dakota
Sarah Palin
Fox News
CNN
Versace (<had to look up the spelling on that one)
Gucci
Rolex Watches
U.S. Airways
The Black Keys
Harley Davidson
Samsung
Roto Rooter
Glaxo Smith Kline

I guess that ought to do it. Now I wait....

Bad-O's Song of the Day

Is This What Sabbath Sounded Like To My "Dad"?

    Lately, my oldest daughter has moved past The Bieber, the Gaga, and that filthy, herped-out whore Kesha with her musical tastes. You would think that would make me happy. Well, ok, it does a little bit. But, there's a downside. Her new thing is dubstep. 
    To those not familiar with dubstep, it's kind of like techno without any effort applied to making it musical. Like industrial thrash techno. Imagine you have a blender and you keep turning it off and on and throwing ice cubes in it every now and then. Put a drum machine in the mix and you've got dubstep. 
    Listening to dubstep - for me - is slightly less pleasing than if someone pressed their asshole to my ear and took a shit in my head. Your experience may differ. 
    So anyway, I came home today and my daughter is blasting dubstep. So of course, I have to say something. You know, something that parents say to their kids about their music as has played out in living rooms and car interiors for generations before me. I tell her that dubstep sounds like a kazoo that got lodged in Brown Boulevard after a burrito convention. She then tells me how awesome it is. I take the opportunity to vocalize my personal interpretation of dubstep. She laughs and within seconds, she is playing me the following video...

I'm not getting too old, dubstep does irredeemably suck ass, right?

Bad-O's Song of the Day

This is about as good as it gets.

I Found It and I Did It

  I walked that graveyard for three hours looking. Fortunately, two of the groundskeepers are bikers. The guy on the Fatboy rode up to me and said "you been looking an awful long time, want some help?". He made a call and took me right to it. I walked back to my bike, got out the bottle of Arrogant Bastard Ale that I bought special on the way there, used the switchblade to open it, sat down on the concrete slab and talked to her for about an hour.
   Well, "talked" probably isn't the right word. It was more like told her what a cunt she was. I farted on the slab while having an ale with her. I spit on her grave. Told her more what a piece of shit she was and despite being in a very visible location, I managed to get a little bit of a squirt on it too.
   Seeing as how there was no headstone, I left the empty Arrogant Bastard Ale on the slab. Besides being appropriately named, it also has a big old picture of the Devil on it. There's your memorial, cunt.
   Part of me was hoping the old man was there too... underground, that is. I will revisit that site. I want to see the headstone. I need that. I need that fucking proof.

Thank you, grounds dude on the Fatboy. Despite all of that looking, without your help, I would have never found it.

Bad-O's Song of the Day

I'm More Glad I'm Getting Fucking Old Every Day

Real glad.

   A few months ago, I was reading a news story about human resources people making prospective employees friend them on Facebook. I shuddered at the thought. A few weeks ago, I was reading a story about human resources people making prospective employees give them their passwords to Facebook. My skin crawled.  
   Well, that's nothing compared to the i-Brain. The article says it's for medical purposes, but you know that will only remain in the realm of 'not-bullshit' for so long. Before long, you will be forced to put an i-Hat on your fucking i-Head so that an HR department can listen to what an i-Dick you are.
   That's nothing. This puppy will be an app for your Android in twenty years (fuck you, Apple) or less. You won't be able to do shit. People talk about Big Brother coming to fruition. I got news for you we're already in Big Brother. The scariest thing coming down the road is not Big Brother. The scariest thing is an episode of the Twilight Zone with none other than Ron Howard where everybody has to think happy thoughts or they're dead. That shit is coming true.
   I remember when you could walk around and there weren't cameras watching every goddamn motherfucking thing you did everywhere you fucking went. You could pick your nose, scratch your balls, or vice versa and it didn't wind up on Tosh.0. Cameras were in places that were important and needed them. Now they're everywhere. You do something stupid now, it might make you famous. You might go to bed one night and wake up to a throng of reporters outside your door the next morning. Fully undeserving of recognition, mind you. Shit, I saw in the "news" two days ago a guy who got famous getting his picture taken while jogging.  I've seen two more stories about this fucker since then. Despite the coverage, I really don't give a shit. Furthermore, my not giving a fuck is effortless. He could jog into a wood chipper, I still wouldn't care.
   Not to sound like some old fuck, but my generation's famous people were better. They had to do something notable. Like cut a dick off. Lorena Bobbitt. I remember. Cut off her husband's (John Wayne Bobbitt) dick and threw out the car window. Cops found it. Doctors sewed it back on. He went into PORNO. Frankenpenis. How fucked up is that?

But I digress...


   Anyway, by the time these i-Brains are standard issue everywhere, I'll be laughing at all of you assholes, cowering in your houses, scurrying around like rats, thinking your happy thoughts. All the fake shit you fuckers post on facebook... pictures that illustrate how "fabulous" your lives are, all the awesome shit you pretend you're all doing all the time that you know is just your FB-Face that you put on so everybody thinks you're all together and so that HR person doesn't think you're gonna be fucking your secretary or robbing the company to pay your gambling debts.
Right now, this is hors d'oeuvres. Twenty years from now...

THAT'S GOING TO BE YOUR WHOLE FUCKING LIFE. 

Pretend time.

Happy thoughts!

Google Isn't Evil Yet

   The new G+'s top suggestion for me to add is (no shit) Northwestern University. Number two and number three are two people I have no idea who they are. Northwestern University... really? What's that, like Oregon?
   I suppose that's good though. It tells me that Google is allowing me to be completely misunderstood. After all, when G+ starts telling me shit I already know, that means Google is evil. By suggesting things to me that mean absolutely dick, I feel nice and cozy. FB used to show me Harley ads. I find that somewhat disturbing as I never joined any Harley groups on FB or liked any Harley shit or anything. That means they were reading my mind and/or snooping around in my garage. FB is evil. Thank you Google. Thank you for your totally stupid suggestions. And I mean that.
    Oh, and I totally dig the "Share This Circle". I don't even know what the fuck circle you are talking about. Thank you thank you thank you. Sincerely. Thank you.

Well, Our Bass Player...

...whom we've not played with yet, nor ever met sent me an email. She has cancer. She says the chemo is going to be too rough which is understandable. I haven't told Ray yet. Not that I'm being blase about someone's cancer as I totally feel for this woman. Just the same, I'm back to looking for that special asshole who doesn't want to be a rock star. C'est la vie.

Even though I don't think you can find this page, happy birthday.

Bad-O's Song of the Day

Bad-O's Song of the Day

   I gave away the rest of the money. Didn't help the karma. Shitty day. Like extra shitty with sauce on top. Diarrhea sauce. Chunky style.
    Life was so much better before everything mattered so much. Feels like I'm balancing a stack of plates on the end of a broomstick. It was so much better when we didn't have shit.

Bad-O's Song of the Day