2012 Poker Run

Scanned. I'm the asshole in the back right. Nobody is safe.

Harassment Seminar

   Today at work, it was "Harassment Training Seminar Day". It was an hour long meeting for us managers about what in the workplace can be construed as harassment and what we -as managers - are required to do about it.
   For me and a few others in the room, it was a refresher from the course that we took five years ago. In the spirit of knowing that today was Harassment Training Seminar Day, we've had quite a ball in the days leading up to it as after today, we would magically grow vaginas and start watching Lifetime. Maybe swap recipes for sugar cookies and braid each others' hair - in a sexually non-threatening way of course, using salad-tongs instead of hands.
   I get very very angry after these seminars. Not because I deny the existence of legitimate harassment. Not because I am pro-(legitimate) harassment. Not because I am sexist or racist and want to continue being my racist sexist self. Nope, none of that shit or any other myriad of shitty reasons to get angry about "defined workplace harassment". I get angry about what constitutes workplace harassment and what my liabilities are as a manager.

What Can Be Construed as Harassment?

1. Everything.

   examples: 

                   "Fuck you, you piece of shit pencil-dick!"

                   "Can't we get a negro to do this?"

                   "This is so easy, a woman could do it!"

                   " Hey Darlene, wanna help me break in my new desk?"

                   "This place looks like a dump, can we get a couple of homos in here to remodel?"

                   "Wow, NICE PENIS!"

                   "First three of you to suck my cock will still have a job Monday"

                   "Ching-chow oooowaahh dow chi yu dahh!!" 

                   "All the fish-cutters probably know karate, so don''t fuck with them"

                   "Did you hear Howard Stern this morning?"

                   " Fuck, I just smashed my thumb with a hammer"

                   "Hey Hiram, any plans for Passover?"

                   "You look nice today"

                   "Wanna have lunch with me?"

                   "Merry Christmas, everybody"

                     

What Are Your Managerial Responsibilities?

1. Report Everything to Human Resources.

   As a manager, it has been told to us by our lawyer that everything must be reported to Human Resources. I work in South Philly. Busting balls is how everyone blows off steam. The freezer guys bend over to pick up a box, they're getting humped. The old guys get the old-jokes, the woman in the thigh-high boots is getting it, the young guys are getting it, the black guys are getting it, the Chinese guys are getting it, EVERYBODY GETS THEIR BALLS BUSTED. Not in a mean way. In fact, exactly the opposite. Busting balls is a sign of endearment where I work. If nobody busts your balls, nobody likes you. It's that fucking simple. Shit, we had two Mohammed's at work some time ago, both drivers. One was "black Mohammed" and the other was "terrorist Mohammed". It's how we knew which Mo anyone was talking about. They both were absolutely fine with that. Wasn't meant maliciously and they knew it and they were cool with it.

   Managerially (fuck you spell-check, it's a word) speaking, I am required to report all of this. That being the case, I may as well have an elevator from my desk up to HR. 

   It really puts a manager in a bind because we all know what constitutes actual harassment. Actual harassment was when one of the floor managers was following my assistant home and constantly begging her to fuck him. Actual harassment was when one of our sales guys was verbally giving my other assistant The Continental treatment out on the dock. 

   Both of them told me about those experiences and when they did, I took that shit very seriously. I asked them both in a serious managerial tone, "are you telling me this officially and need me to handle this, because I will". Both said no, they can handle it and they did and it went no further. As a manager, I was fully prepared to take both of their complaints directly to the PTB because both claims were ACTUAL HARASSMENT. Everyone knows the difference between everyday harmless bullshit and actual full-frontal harassment. 

   The problem is the cash-grabbers that construe everything as harassment so that they can sue and that is the reason that the term "harassment" is a giant grey cloud that anyone can inadvertently find themselves in.  You can be having average days at work and then suddenly you're a defendant in the middle of a multi-million dollar lawsuit because "you did nothing".  That's quite a fucking load on your shoulders, you know?

   One of the examples in the Power Point presentation went something like this: "Mary went to Paul's desk to get a report because Paul was off that day and while she was at his desk, she noticed that he had a racy cartoon pinned up on his cubicle out of sight where no one could ever see it unless they were seated at his desk". "Is it harassment?"

    The answer was (you guessed it) "yes". Why? The lawyer explained that it's mere presence there and the fact that it could be found - no matter where it was - was sufficient grounds to constitute a harassing environment.  

    With that, I think it's time to bring my dick into the conversation. Fact is, I bring MY DICK into work EVERY FUCKING DAY. I'm not showing it to you, but if you go looking for it... well, you're gonna find it. Does the presence of MY DICK in MY PANTS constitute a harassing environment? By definition, I would have to say that it does. If I start talking to the person next to me at the pisser and he looks over and sees my dick, am I harassing him? I think so. I should probably be dealt with. 

    A judge was quoted in our presentation as saying "Harassment is in the eye of the beholder". 

  To that judge I say, "Behold, my dick..."